US Bottecchia BS 1-5 SC Basel Nord A
Well hello there Avid Reader, we’ve been away far, far too long and I know you’ve been missing us. So to get the pleasantries out of the way, we’ve missed you beautiful people as well, so kick back, relax and prepare for the second half of the magic carpet ride.
Local news outlets approached right-defender, James ‘Rambo’ Richardson prior to the first game to ask his thoughts on pre-season and the Ice Bears chances this season.
‘James we have heard rumours that the pre-season training camp in Lloret de Mar was nothing more than a booze-fuelled lad’s holiday, with people losing their minds, dignity and theoretich boards. Any truth to these rumours?’
‘After a tough pre-season friendlies against high-level opposition do you think the Bears are stronger as a team in this year?’
‘James you’ve been described as a no-nonsense English defender who would feel little, to no remorse about killing a man through his shin, would you say that’s a fair description of you?’
‘We appreciate a man of few words, but just wanted to know if you have anything you want to say to the fans at home, to give them a little insight into the other side of Jimmy?’
‘Aye, I like to make knives. A make them in me house. I’ve got a big saw and I just like make them really sharp and pointy’.
‘Thanks for that interview James, don’t call us we’ll call you for the next one’.
A great pre-season with help from Dome (sprinter, und los) & Maja (#fitness #fitfamily #gymgirl #trainhard #onemorerep #hashtag) saw the Ice Bears in great physical condition coming into their first league game away to Bottecchia. This Italian team play on a cow-field up near the German border, with a nice little clubhouse where ‘ALKOHOL IST VERBOTEN’ (according to the aggressive elderly chap who was shouting at me after the game). Bottecchia sat a couple of places below the Bears, lurking above the drop-zone, but had seen their performances and results improve towards the end of the last year.
Jimmy Measor John Bryan
Milan Juan Luca Nacho
The game kicked off and almost immediately it was obvious that the Bears were going to have far, far too much quality for them. If Bottecchia were an Italian wine, they would be the house red you get for free when ordering a rump steak from a Weatherspoon’s in Bradford town centre for £3.99.
It took just 4 minutes for Nacho to put the Bears in front. Juan (active in social media) received the ball in the centre of the pitch, he took off running like never before, witness reports said they could hear a whistling sound and Juan screaming something about an eagle coming for him. He saw a poor Spanish boy on the wing with an acoustic guitar singing a lullaby, in tears that his bike had left him and ran off to Algeria. He fed the ball to Nacho who realising that there was no-one around him to dribble and should probably just put the ball in the net, which he did. A cool finish from the Spaniard and the Bears went into the lead.
Bottecchia 0 – 1 Basel Nord (4th min – Nacho)
The next twenty minutes was an onslaught, the three in the centre of the midfield for the Bears were too strong for Bottecchia and were starting to overrun them, finding space on the wings, the pace of Nacho and Milan starting to cause real problems for the Italians. Their tiny glimmer of hope coming from the fact that the Bears had been wasteful with so many chances, especially after some fantastic deliveries from free-kicks and corners.
The Bears, which you will find as a running theme through our history, don’t like to do things the easy way, on this note, welcome to one of our newest members on his debut – John Winter. Johnny Boy, with legs once mistaken by the Voyager 1 space probe as being the Great Wall of China, has been a great addition to the squad. He was acquired in a buy one get one free deal with Tom during the winter sales at the P. Crouch Factory Shopping Outlet. Calm and composed, with a lovely first touch and commanding disposition, Johnny capped a strong debut with a great goal. A ball was whipped in at speed towards our tall centre half, and with surprising levels of agility, he leapt like a young gazelle and acrobatically volleyed the ball over the goalie and into the net. Our net. Yep, our net – as in not their net but ours – the one we have. Wonderful goal JB, next time in the opposition goal bitte schön.
Bottecchia 1 – 1 Basel Nord (17th min – John)
This goal briefly stirred the Italian fans and the Bottecchia players ears pricked up for all of two minutes before normal service was resumed. Mounting pressure saw again the creation of chances, normally coming from passes from the centre midfield in behind the full-backs of Bottecchia. With the squad as big and strong as it is, and with rolling substitutes being able to come on and off whenever, Jock and Xevi joined the fray after 30 minutes. Andi and Milan left the pitch and Jock went into a number 10 role with Xevi as striker and Luca switching to the right wing. The pressure was incessant now and after 15 minutes the referee blew for half-time much to the pleasure of a very relieved looking Bottecchia.
Half-time: Bottecchia 1-1 Basel Nord
The start to the second half was delayed, Hunt had been told to warm-up but as HE IS NOT A MIND-READER, didn’t realise that meant he was starting the second half. He, as all good professionals will do, spent his warm-up visiting the changing room, where he went to the loo – then checked his phone – then took his socks off – then couldn’t find his shin pads – then found there was a hairdryer in the changing rooms – then had half a banana – then went back to the loo. Milan eventually found him and enquired as to how stupid he actually was and that everyone was waiting. The second half then commenced.
After 65 minutes a lovely ball over the left wing saw Andi who had been brought back on for the second half, fire a ball across the goal and Switzerland’s Best Housewife 2017™ appeared like a bolt of lightning (if you know, lighting ran at a pace equivalent to a slightly lazy manatee), to smash home the ball from 87.6cm from the goal-line.
Bottecchia 1-2 Basel Nord (65mins Jock)
The game was truly killed off five minutes later when Basel Nord forgot they were Basel Nord and decided for thirty seconds to become Barcelona. Tika-taka on the left saw a ball get fired in towards Juan who was outside of the box with his back to goal and the Bottecchia defensive line behind him. With a beautiful first touch Juan Pablo using the outside of his foot flicked the ball over the defence as Andi burst in from the left to lob the ball perfectly over the goalie to finish off the Italians. As Andi was mobbed by the Bears players, Juan used this time to run over to Hunt in defence and provide him with some invaluable advice ‘Daniela Francisco, this why you must always moisturise your feet before football’. Shares in Nivea have went up 700% in Colombia following last Sunday’s result.
Bottecchia 1 – 3 Basel Nord (70mins Andi)
Reeling from this goal, Slovakian import Tomino, making his league debut got introduced to the pitch and instantly endeared himself to the Bears fans by using his skills on the pitch. By skills I mean his studs and by pitch I mean opposition players legs. Creative midfielder Stefano joined the field to provide a bit of calm and composure, with Hunt leaving the pitch claiming that his hamstring was still tight from his previous injury, despite not owning a hamstring as his body is simply feet, calves, arse, and head.
Now sports fans, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for, Jock scored an absolute worldie. For adjectives in Northern English, please refer to google. A long ball was hoofed towards Jock who had a defender on either side of him around 25 yards out from goal. As the clouds parted, a ray of sunshine beamed down and Jock blacked out. Someone quite clearly not Jock but located in his body managed to control the ball whilst pirouetting in a move which apparently had Zidane semi-aroused. The defenders lost in a haze of confusion had no idea where Jock was as he went to his family-friendly Range Rover, took out his recently purchased IKEA balcony furniture, and set-up a picnic. He had time for a sip of Pimms, a fine cup of Earl Grey tea and some lovely cheese crackers before he took his 7 iron out of his golf bag and pinged a ball into the top corner. Oh, and it was a leftie as well. The Italians on the touchline nearly choked on their calzone as it burst the net.
Bottecchia 1 – 4 Basel Nord (83mins Jock)
A completely dominant Basel Nord team was not quite done as the king of Instagram @Jpduque12 decided to get in on the action, I’ll leave you in his capable hands as he describes in detail how he scored his goal. This is literally the texts he sent to me.
‘Ciao Bello. The North Africano Nacho he took the balla on the left wing. Then he cross to the centre looking for Jocky who was alone. Jocky here me scream AHA AHA. He saw me facing the goal and with a nice little touch back. Gave me the balla… I shoot on with a very strong power close to the post. No chance to the goalie to save it. Remember Francisco you must mention the theoretich and that we are active in social media.’ – I can guarantee that every one of the Bears who knows Juan has just read that exactly in his voice.
The Bears scored their 5th and the King of Bachata ran to the lads at the side of the pitch kissing his badge and sending a message of love around the world whilst dancing with the team.
Bottecchia 1 – 5 Basel Nord (85mins Juan)
There was still time for Bottecchia to get 5 yellow cards. The changed-man that is Daniel Measor, made a well-timed tackle which left one of their attackers crying and exclaiming that the same thing happened in the last game and last time someone broke two of his ribs. It’s nice to know we are making friends in our games and leaving a lasting effect on the opposition [Symbol]
Full-time: Bottecchia 1 – 5 Basel Nord
I’ve had a bit of a joke and a laugh in the report but in all seriousness, the win was well-earned. There have been a lot of cold nights where people have been flat-out on the ground with exhaustion from trying to get better for this season. The help from Dome and Maja, the seniors coming down to help us in some friendlies and joining in with training also. Big thank you to everyone involved in making the Barca trip happening and of course, our gaffer Sven, who with his beloved theoretich board has got the Bears playing to our strengths and looking forward to every game.
The work-rate and fitness we showed was so clearly beyond that of the other team, the level of quality, organisation and way in which we had a game plan, stuck to it and didn’t give up was a testament to everything we have been doing in training. We have a squad of 21 now who all deserve a place and it will be very difficult to get into the team, the Bears are looking strong this year, really strong and come 1pm on Sunday, I wouldn’t want to be wearing any colour but blue.